given'r in 2009.


2008........youre only memorable for 3 things.

2008 is for the birds. if theres nothing to be mentioned here, well then theres nothing memorable at all. at least spring semester will keep me busy.

im trying to calm down.
im feeling like i should go one step instead of 4 steps at once.
one piece at a time.
anxiety eats me alive but im still never forgetting where my place is and where i should be.
im looking outside in, knowing that being trapped inland is hell but i can manage.
dreaming of endless sunsets and that endless summer i had months ago.
eddie vedder to soothe my mind on a girl.
"vuelvo al sur" to help me forget about the world around me and let me be with my mother.
living my dream temporarly, seeking permenance.
days i dream of a woody and a burrito.
days i dream of the swell and coronado island in my sights.
i miss it all.
i miss all of you that were there.

theres no cure for being homesick.
theres no cure for the people you hold high that are now the lowest.
theres no cure for the things you find when you are away from the place that misplaces you.
theres no place like home.

california, sing me home. bring me home. comfort me when i come home.

i dont know whats going to happen next. im not sure what im thinking or feeling. i still feel the same way i felt leaving home and fulfilling my drifters soul. i still feel like im not really part of anything. but its weird because after the election, i felt that was all going to change about me with how monumental the change was. that i could be part of something that wasnt threatening or corrupt. that i could sleep easy in my own bed. i feel like im losing a very large part of myself and that i have no reason to be on edge. as much as ive witness another version of the 80s happening, and was able to be part of a counterculture, i dont want to lose any of that. being punk at 25 is very much different than at 18. i still put those songs on, and i still feel the same things i felt when i first heard those songs or think the same things, but i dont know if im imagining things or im closing off a circle. i dont want to ever lose what ive found about myself. at home or otherwise. i dont want to lose myself. and i feel being as idle as i am, i am losing myself. i think thats what im more afraid of as my biological number increases. losing whats been important to me. i dont want to sit idley by and wait for something to happen. but i dont want to force something to happen. either way im going to be eating shit because the world moves forward and im going along with it.

always late to the dance. never early to arise.
the things i felt that were relevant arent so relevant.
i dont know if im trying to relive what i saw and what i felt
when i put on those old familar faces or places.
but i know somehow i still feel that association.
maybe not now, but i know its still there.
im not sure what i believe anymore.
im not sure what im feeling anymore.
walk the streets, wind to my back,
snow in my eyes, skin cracking on my lips.
still walking stillborn, still walking mutant.
still cursed rotten shit luck polluting carbon print fuck up.
hands on the wires and pulling on my neck.
im turning myself onto myself.
deaf ears and blind eyes, still waiting to feel something.
no luck, no love. nothing important anymore.
some people want to watch the world burn.
flower pushers get the first dive into the soil.
i get the last dive into the waters.

she messaged me. why am i putting on jawbreaker? why am i feeling the knots in my stomach like i used to when i decompress from a woman and i know not to feel that way? this is so stupid. i said too much and im writing my own final words im about to eat whole. one giant bite of a shit sandwich. holy hell am i cold....why didnt i turn the heater on sooner. i dont know want to know what she says next. i dont want to know when she writes back. i want to pull the hood over my face and hide and i cant. i wish i never wrote back now. i have a hard time believing she feels sorry about the way ive felt with everything lately. not just her, but everything thats happened. she doesnt know what happened, not back in may, not back a week ago, nothing. this is where im going to write my name in the sand and ill see if she crosses it out. im just ready for nothing. im ready to mess this one up and be told everything i dont want to hear. the same rejectional words i always hear. i cant see or hear anything right now. i dont know if its all the negative emotion i want to harbor against her or if its the positive emotion i want to feel. i guess im ready to put another loss on the chalkboard. i want to forget the last 7 minutes of my life. i certainly didnt play 7 minutes of heaven just now.

and why does itunes torment me with "i love you so much its killing us both"?

you will not see me for a while. you will not take me for a while.

anxiety will kill me and the feelings of letting everyone down will write whats on my headstone if i dont find a way out. how can i find a way out when i cant even see with my own eyes a way of my own. im being lead in circles and i cant find a friend from a wolf, a family from a pack of lions. waiting to feed on my body the minute i show my weakness. my spirit is falling apart and i cant stand on my own two feet any longer when i cant even crawl to safety. nothing is going to change when i havent learned to walk. i crawl alone. there are no shelters on the longest crawl in my life. put the bolt to my neck, stun me, slash me, feed me to the wolves and lions. fuck me.

i am the last survivor in this house.
i am the last survivor in a house with no survivors.
i am the last survivor in a town with no living energy. no vibrancy.
i am the last survivor in a house that has become torn apart by time and locusts.
i am the only one left who has any sort of free will and desire.
i am the only one who can leave and wander as i please.
i am the only one who has any care and memory of what this house was at one time.
i am the only one that can remember more thats happened here than anyone else can that is currently here.





i am the one who has become a part of the house. i am the house.

i should feel happy that i made someone happy. im feeling let down and the total opposite. i cant find any reason why or any way to explain it. i feel like the worst person right now to someone that i should never feel this way towards. i should never feel anything negative about this person, and i do. im trying to put aside alot to rectify and make up for mistakes, and i cant do that right. i dont know what im doing right now. my eyes are closed and my ears are deaf. im just walking and waiting to feel something.

like minds find like minds. miles are nothing when people feel the same things and talk about the same things. like minds dont need to say much to understand the other on whats going on. like minds stay with like minds. much like disease cells band together. like minds are not diseased minds. like minds will talk with like minds and never find anything to trite, boring, underneath, or uninspiring. like minds seek like minds to remember why they are with like minds in the first place. like minds find like minds to be reminded why they are the way they are. i find nothing wrong with this.

nothing wrong abandoning lepers and self made martyrs who pursue hive minds and no individual minds for their own. lepers and martyrs become clones, become walking shells. thinking the way they think, above and beyond as borg. their order will have chaos. resist. destroy. no building. no foundation. no straight lines. no subdued minds. no shut off minds. no minds without thought.



you know who you are. like mind.

i want all the girls that live too far away.
too cute even for me to look at.
i am unworthy. oh well. it doesnt hurt to dream.

the longer i stay. the less of a person i feel i will be. the weird thing is i feel calm. but i know i am losing my soul here. everything and everyone feels absent and empty. when i said i would be part of the problem i didnt imagine this is how i would do it. now im wishing i was back home. now im wishing i was in that small office surrounded by the newer faces i met in recent months. now im wishing the drifter and scourge that is truly inside me would be released so i could let that consume me, like the monster than consumed me for the last 3 years.

i would rather be turned into scourge, scoundrel, rogue, and drifter over monster. but this rogue can find a balance between rogue and monster. the balance to terrorize in the lands and waters, still free to move and see the new land and conquer.

the west is calling. still calling. home is calling. the world is calling. i have to see it all.

im tearing out your pages i put in my book.
im tearing you out from the pages in my time.
i want to swim the botox seas and shallow reserves of L.A
i dont want to walk the peaks and valleys of helens.
too easy to take whats in front of you.
too difficult to tell apart a cobra from a mouse.
youll keep getting bit. youll keep getting your hot poison.
i was in front of you as the mouse.
your shitty future. your shitty lifestyle.
your faulty wires. your rotten nails in the walls.
i cant dance with you right now. i cant dance with you anymore tonight.
its just too tiring. and im feeling pretty lazy and the urge to call it a night.
my suit is dry and dirty and your dress soaked in the stout i bought you.
ill shake your hand and hug you for the later day.
the makeshift miles, makeshift mountains, i thought id be the endless hiker.
going your way. my thumb out to where you are.
pointing "thataway" for your next pickup.
the next hiker to use you for a meal and a bed.
sending on the next scourge that is man-cobra to strike and poison.
i wont be drawing out your poison. you always get bit on the legs.
being in between your legs wasnt really my thing anyways.
you always were getting the bite there anyways.

i drove down memory lane and the first thoughts i had were that it still smelled the same. i drove past that old house i used to pick up a stranger (to me now) from and how we would act with no gaps between us. ALF visited as well, he walked down memory lane with me too. it made me think of how i first met the stranger, then meeting her closest, then the next thing i could remember were the hours i spent on her just talking. even apart and on our own, still hours spent. she reminded me what its like to have contact with another person. she told me without saying it "you can feel things too. you are capable of affection". i love and miss it. things changed. i changed. she changed. it was ok. it is still ok. i still remember her numbers. im just a scared boy when it comes to actually doing something to get in contact with her. i can still remember her scent like it was yesterday. i can still remember her venom like it was yesterday.

i learned to love. i learned alot from her. i dont think i have anything else to learn. i just owe her a thank you. soon. i know she wont read this, but soon. when i am done feeling afraid of you. you can tell me when its ok.

a prince and a sheriff. a speech artist, a spitting image of the politician of the 1960's without mccarthy. the brightest colored light on the string of lights, the brightest of the same color on another string.

the possibility of history either repeating or reshaping itself. i still feel cheated from years ago, i feel like my civic duty was to lie to myself, lie to everyone, and believe i was making a difference when i saw nothing change. i saw a quitter and a puppet go at it for months. i saw a puppet win. i still see no change in years to come. i still see the fat getting fatter, the old being prolonged on their drugs and stroke and heart attack induced living. the things i wanted to change are still here. some circles are never going to end. some circles become spirals. the squares instill more squares and we walk in single file lines, never cutting the corners. the same death march.

circles are my life now. the shape somehow always overlaps with one part and brings me to another circle to walk. walking new tracks. i find the shape at the same time filled with off ends and malformations. detours. i enjoy. recent experience has brought me in a full cirlce i opened up 5 years ago and closed. now more circles have opened up, but it doesnt change how i feel about anything, doesnt change anything i see. being a rogue and accepting it and finding out what i have to do for now. i guess time is up and i have to blend in for a bit, but i can still be part of the problem while still being one of them. no, this doesnt make me special. im doing what everyone else does. i get that. dont tell me twice. i am still a child of middle history. no purpose or place. no great war. no depression.

while the rest of the world can dance and progress and never find the same 3 shapes we all find and fall in, we sit in our squares. we walk the same blocks. see the same buildings. eat the same food. smell the same streets of piss and vinegar. and here i am, a circle inside of a square. very few circles to be found. i just see straight lines and squares. birth. plague. expire. repeat. circles can grow in size, growing out. squares become longer, become rectangles. become extended. overextended.

do i overextend a red square? do i place a blue square into the construction now? history repeats? history reshapes? who is ready to suffer their consequences and live up to their actions for once? i cant vote on religion. i cant vote on party. i cant vote on collar. i cant vote on money. i cant vote on anything. i will be cheated. i will lie to myself and everyone again. i vowed to never do that anymore, its a way of coping like those dead people do. telling themselves things they want to hear to feel better when its a school glue fix.

the roads get darker. the air is wetter. the air is heavier. the smell of rotting steel, rubber, and sulfur is thicker and nastier. the clouds are never going to leave. its going to be a long cold winter again no matter what color wins. its stil the same shape for years to come. bundle up.

i am always be on california time. no matter how normal my sleep or days may be. its just the way things will always be.

i wish i could insult myself as well as i insult others.

we all crowd into a small room sheltered from a false cold and we converse about the little things. i sit next to the girl i have my schoolbboy crush on and feel awkward around, like she feels awkward when i do something to her just for my own amusement. its a good feeling. its a reminder in a soon-to-be ghost town that there are still signs of life. our average IQ drops, our weights increase, our education becomes automated. she doesnt fit a profile of this town, these suburbs. theres a few things id say....though i lack the steel confidence for that unlike the one i have when i strike at a throat verbally.

i guess there are vagrants in all class wars. my war with anyone above mine. my war with anyone not in mine. i am being to hopeful. maybe she isnt a vagrant. but she has been a diamond in a never ending pile of bodies that are becoming similar to sand. id rather see a smiling face from here than a skeleton that had a pevious owner who had a reputation of going through the motions and smiling to save her face. obviously.....that face wasnt saved.

we are all vagrants. rogues. freedom seekers. there isnt just one profile and datafile to create. some of us just know it from the start. others find it from experience. never too late to find out.

we are all vagrants. we just dont know it.

youll find common friends in the most uncommon places. did i ever think i would find someone who could keep up on humanity views in a way tyler durden would see it? face value isnt everything. keep searching.

sometimes with feeling like an endless walker and never in a stationary situation, it feels almost easier to just live in a car rather than pay on a place you really only use for a bed space and to showcase your materials. i just wonder how i will get my car over the ocean if i am called farther west than i have already been.

no welfare. no parole. just a single file into a single file.

sometimes we free thinkers are the ones who have the least amount of problems.
were the ones who find more enjoyment in the littlest things. no matter how we find them.
we dont always need puzzle pieces to complete the puzzle.
maybe being imperfect and never finishing the puzzle is the greatest happiness in life.

ctrl-alt-elite
thats all i see in anyone anymore
no one leading the cry to action
leading the cry to a fat nation
i wont be part of the problem
i will be the problem
turn my back to those who turn their backs on the open world
walking the roads like a ghost.
i wont be living in the veil
ill lead on my own right foot

the red head and i are the only ones who really get it.
jocks rule our scene. fashion dictates common sense.
when the fuck did it become high school again?
when the fuck was it ever cool to be the counter?
now all i see are people who fuck to be cool
who use going out as an excuse to build their self hype
people who dont care unless there are only cool things there
when the fuck was it ever cool to be punk?
i hate my town and i hate this scene.
why should i give into the people who gave me shit in high school?
fuck everyones social status, fuck their idea of right and wrong.
youre all adults wishing you did something you couldnt do when you had the chance.
im not your entertainment and im not your collectable card
just because i dont see your way doesnt mean i am blind
fuck you, im not deaf blind and dumb.
fuck you asshole, come and get me just because i dont bow down to you.
fuck you asshole.

grasping for the straws, dont grasp my hands.

the skin on my feet will never heal.
the heel on my foot will never heal.

what i see, you never will.
beyond the set, beyond the waves.
a few of you get it, a majority of you dont.
so ive talked it up a long time. everyone else does about something.
ill wait for the right time.
soon.

unfortunate for me, the girl i wish i could be with lives too far away. but totally honest, i dont think there is one thing i wouldnt do for her if i was given a chance. i sometimes wonder what could be possible if things were easier on the milage. sometimes i still think there is always going to be some kind of attatchment between us. weird how things work for the people youve only met through digital means. but its how things work best for almost everyone nowadays. heres to hope.

i am a one way street, one way juggernaut.
unstoppable. unmovable. unblockable.
my head drops. my head hangs.
i am immortal for minutes.
i will never take this helmet off.
my hands wrapped across wires
pulling tighter. exploding heads.
unstoppable. no salvation.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.
feeling nothing.

i breathe ether.
i dont want your pollution in my mouth.
i dont want your pollution in my lungs.
i want to do the things i feel are right for me.
break the chains. swear no allegiances.
break my boredom. swear no routines.
i breathe ether.

fuck this society with corrupt morals claiming god over progress
its all going to explode and well kill ourselves anyways
im starting today, it starts right here.
im not the only one lighting fires.
the weak walk with plague, the morally righetous rot with corruption.
kill them before we become a vaccine.
no society. no fucking morals. no men in power.
no jurisdiction and no fucking gods.
dont fucking look down on us because we will never be with you
dont you fucking talk to us like we are the worst to exist.
speak for yourselves, everything you are and will ever be we hate/
youre already dead, im going to bury you alive.
you let yourself get devoured by the beast.
and when its time to throw me to the plots bury me face down
so i can ghost walk with my back turned to the world ive already left anyways
ill keep walking, its all i can do anymore.
youre just people im passing through.

i cant stop fucking up
i told the person who cares most im doing fine
i lied to her face again
im punching myself in the head hoping to feel something right
everywhere i fucking walk i hold a closed fist waiting for my end
if i cant stop fucking up, im taking down this entire city with me
everyone is already dead. we live in graveyards outside the tallest cemetaries.

youll meet your end at my hands.
ive only got one thing left to do.
repay the favor you did me in dishonesty.
i used to believe your words about being a real person
i made my mistakes, i said i was sorry to myself.
i thought we were unstoppable.
you had the chance to speak up and level it out.
you left me with the chance to snap your fucking neck
i saw the end of a narrow tunnel.
i saw you on the other end tied to the building i brought down with my bare hands.
you are walking dead in my way.
locked and caged, stabbed and shot up and brainwashed.
ball and chain and anchor and anklet and slave.
whatever i fucking saw in you i fucking hate.

use their bones as the walkway to where you need to go.
use the buildings as shelters for the needy over brainwash and misinformation.
safety has been an illusion from growth and seeking refuge from problems you will not escape.
ringing the bells for a dead man who cannot save savages that turned their backs to that man.
keep to our design and pollute and abuse. no signs of purity and just vomit the toxins.
not just words and habits of abuse to the grounds and waters.
the second plague hanging over our heads.
being told our security is the vaccine. we are inhaling pollution.
the death and wastes pile up, adapt to consume and pollute.
whats left of the living they will swing knives to the dead throats.
walk the green roads, walk the bone sidewalks.
rotting former shells. decaying former friends.
infected race. already told they are the problem.
rogues are the cure.

after reading a few bands bloggers, i decided to sign up. mainly because i like how much easier this looks on the eyes. and also there seems to be more mystique here than on another site i write on.

in short......i think im going to like this alot.

i have no idea what im going to be writing in here. maybe lyrics. maybe adventures. maybe things i feel that are important to to express.

but right now, im going to leave you guessing on what will be the first story/idea that follows this introduction.