she messaged me. why am i putting on jawbreaker? why am i feeling the knots in my stomach like i used to when i decompress from a woman and i know not to feel that way? this is so stupid. i said too much and im writing my own final words im about to eat whole. one giant bite of a shit sandwich. holy hell am i cold....why didnt i turn the heater on sooner. i dont know want to know what she says next. i dont want to know when she writes back. i want to pull the hood over my face and hide and i cant. i wish i never wrote back now. i have a hard time believing she feels sorry about the way ive felt with everything lately. not just her, but everything thats happened. she doesnt know what happened, not back in may, not back a week ago, nothing. this is where im going to write my name in the sand and ill see if she crosses it out. im just ready for nothing. im ready to mess this one up and be told everything i dont want to hear. the same rejectional words i always hear. i cant see or hear anything right now. i dont know if its all the negative emotion i want to harbor against her or if its the positive emotion i want to feel. i guess im ready to put another loss on the chalkboard. i want to forget the last 7 minutes of my life. i certainly didnt play 7 minutes of heaven just now.

and why does itunes torment me with "i love you so much its killing us both"?