i dont know whats going to happen next. im not sure what im thinking or feeling. i still feel the same way i felt leaving home and fulfilling my drifters soul. i still feel like im not really part of anything. but its weird because after the election, i felt that was all going to change about me with how monumental the change was. that i could be part of something that wasnt threatening or corrupt. that i could sleep easy in my own bed. i feel like im losing a very large part of myself and that i have no reason to be on edge. as much as ive witness another version of the 80s happening, and was able to be part of a counterculture, i dont want to lose any of that. being punk at 25 is very much different than at 18. i still put those songs on, and i still feel the same things i felt when i first heard those songs or think the same things, but i dont know if im imagining things or im closing off a circle. i dont want to ever lose what ive found about myself. at home or otherwise. i dont want to lose myself. and i feel being as idle as i am, i am losing myself. i think thats what im more afraid of as my biological number increases. losing whats been important to me. i dont want to sit idley by and wait for something to happen. but i dont want to force something to happen. either way im going to be eating shit because the world moves forward and im going along with it.