whatever the reason i am feeling every urge to do everything within my grasp of a girl, be it date them, fuck them, snuggle up, whatever....it needs to stop.

i had to hold myself back from getting that far ahead with someone i saw while out tonight and having general talk with her. i have no idea why my head starting shooting off the way it did and then being clouded with the idea of wanting to kiss her and go home with her (not to fuck). i wasnt having it. i had to leave. i cant see or have a conversation with a girl without wanting do cuddle up with them. not that it makes me a bad person, but its getting to be annoying. ive been all over the place with multiple girls this entire month trying to figure out what i want to do with them. and obviously, there is no real potential of anything there with any of them.

im aware the clock is ticking for me on a certain level. im aware that im wanting someone to latch on to me and tell me things are fine ("protectors need protectors"). there is something here im not seeing. has to be. i dont know why else im having this happen.

the only upside to this is the variety of girls. the downside is im in a social purgatory with them all. too punk for the normal ones.....too normal for the punk ones. balance is bullshit in this case.

why do i wish to find a lady to lock it down with when i know none can keep up with me? do i have to change or do they have to keep up with me? the universe will never let me know.

i carry no crosses and only carry curses
carrying a cross only carries a curse
i am just cursed to have you in my mind
and only have you in my heart so far away
i can only be the nasty shadow you want to avoid
and the nasty shadow you cant get rid of
believe me miss, i wish this wasnt so
but what i ultimately want will just fuck us over
i will carry this curse until a demise between us
still hopeful you will be the cursebreaker
still a shadow near you, and still a ghost from far away
is all i can ever be to you.

as my one friend said it today in a picture comment…..

“you’re my hero! if everyone lived like you people wouldnt be so uptight”

……he’s right.

never mind the fact i drove from cleveland - columbus - nashville - denton - austin - memphis (slept in a rest stop outside the city) - nashville - cleveland - buffalo - cleveland in the span of 10 days all because i wanted to see a few bands. never mind that i logged over 50 hours driving over 3000mi round trip. but what people miss is that the enjoyment comes from doing things like this and not only finding new faces and new notes, but new sights and new levels of existance that you can only find when you are out there. im always asked if its because i have money, i tell them no. im always asked why. i tell them because i cant stand being stationary and sitting in a place i refuse to call home and that i can be doing something better with my time than working and resting in the ground face down like so many others. until my demise, i am going to be married to the road and always finding something new, be it geographically or in myself, because i cant stand in one place very long. i dont have any limits, why should anyone? being a vagrant, a disease rogue is all i know at this point. i dont want to catch anyones illness that will hinder me from seeing the things i want and need to see.

what keeps me alive is the music, but the fact that i am always looking for something. punk has always been that way to me. never settling for whats in front of me and to keep searching. not just records, but in everything. and i found a lot this recent trip even with the sense of incompleteness that i have in some regards. i do these things because this is where i am at my best and i am able to understand how people work. even gaining new knowledge i still take time to understand myself and what needs to be fixed in myself. im not going to stand in one place while everyone else in the world moves around me. im going to keep moving because my feet and my soul are never going to rest until i can go home for good. im closer, but im still far away from that.

the hardest things to understand are the opposites. i enjoy the challenge. the only downside is it leaves me feeling inadequate sometimes and that i do the wrong things. but ive come to understand its not all my fault and that some arent used to a person like me who is freelance and able to be committed at the same time. i cant help the person i am or change anything. even the vagrants have hearts and watch over people from far and near. full of love, and no one to share it with. i thought i had someone but they are just as locked in solidarity as i am. all i can do for them is watch from afar and make sure theyre ok because it feels like they need me on a level they may not understand. ive seen this happen before, it will always happen.

and that is what i learned in 2011 so far being back where i truly belong.

nowhere.

4 days of reminders why my soul is always in a constant state of flux. spitting in the face of father time and throwing open handed slaps to cupid. in my age i should be hand in hand with those fucks and i still refuse to do it. if ive learned anything being with my harsh mistress, ive accepted im going to walk alone just a little bit longer. cupid tried again, but im not going to let him win only to find out he was playing a cruel trick on me. i ultimately understand in order for me to have what i want, i have to kill off what i feel and erase my memory of them. if its too good to be true, it is.

i have a chemical formula for life in my hands that i just dont want to put to use. if i did, i would die. i refuse to die a common death. i refuse to be subjected to the bleach and white sheets that everyone wraps themselves up in. and if that fucks me into never finding another person ever again, i can live with it. i am born into the world alone, i will die in the world alone.

the path isnt made of dirt road and green praire's grass like i saw in kansas last year. but there are no large mountains to climb like in colorado. the end is a western sunset into the ocean on white sands and i am back with mother ocean to be washed and never found. and i know if i am visualizing flat barren hot lands with many mesa's in the distance, thats where my life is right now. the mesa's and hot lands come before the sand and ocean. i know im getting closer. i can only keep walking until the end of the earth comes and then i can fall off.

i said i was going to die here. one way or another, i have. one circle closes, another opens.

the words i recite in my mind listening to the angry songs that make you ill, make the resolution i want to have with you that will only fall on deaf ears anyways.

so only half way through the year and im still learning the social and spiritual gaps that exist in people. you would think at my age id have them figured out and know how to work an approach. im still learning. not that i hate it in any way, but when youre still learning and understanding, you still learn about yourself as well. spending less time on closing old circles that have no bearing, spending more time on opening new circles that have meaning.

whats the theme? love. not the romantic or the physical kind. the kind that every one needs.

as many new faces as ive met this year and understand where the differences are between myself and them, ive been trying to understand the how and why some arent used to having people take care of them or show them the kindness that they deserve. theres a few people who have been so far involved in long term one sided relationships who arent used to being shown that the other can look out and take care of them, or do the right thing. there are some who are just plain used to being alone and never really understanding how someone can care about their own well being. i never truly understood the how about caring about a person (regardless of their status to you friend or otherwise) until i spent a majority of my time alone. and a certain someone who wrote the words "you can never learn to love until you learn to be alone", really knew what he was yelling in that song.

take the 3 ladies ive been into this year, and i will tell you that all 3 have never met anyone like me in the sense of how ive gone out of my way to do something nice on a level just because i felt they deserved it or they were worth it. surely i didnt have to, but i wanted to because i had no one else to do it to. each of them had their own flow to why i wanted to do the things i wanted to do. and i honestly think they all deserved that. but they dont know how to handle recieving just a general kind of affection and appreciation that is outside of a relationship or family. they have never learned to be alone and dont know how to learn to love. when you are alone and have no one to show that general kindness to, youll learn to not give it out freely and you find out who is genuinely worth your own time. you refine your technique, but you learn to control how much you give out. in my case, i give back what is given to me. and thats how ive learned who is worth the effort and time.

love to me isnt just romantic and physical as most believe it. its something everyone needs regardless of how bad you take down self esteem levels and essential to knowing on a mental and spiritual level youll be alright. you can show that appreciation and respect for others well being without intentions of trying to romance, and not many really understand that. is there a line? yes, very blurred though because one thing can be taken as something terribly wrong. in my grand scheme, i should learn to care less about them and more about me. selfishness isnt in my program because i choose not to miss out on someone that can show me something i havent seen or learned.

as much as i do, i still need to know that im alright from others. protectors need protectors. even the beast can show love and needs it in order to live in relative peace in themselves and with the rest of the world.

too wound up to fuck. sitting in solace.
"everything i touch falls to pieces"
told one thing, seen another.
put on status that i dont deserve
i havent earned it yet baby, youre making the same mistakes i make
everything i want to do revolves around burning every bridge
burning every home and skyline down in every city i make a tremor in
wound up, full of piss and god damn vinegar.
between the fence of lonliness and anger
ill drive anyone anywhere and be their travis bickle.
then i wish them well in the open, and in secret i wish them ill.
regardless of mates, friends, and slags.
in secret i wish everyone ill in this fucking city.
sink with erie, sink with cleveland.
sink with yourselves and rot in shit.

every open letter i write, i will never address.
ive got a foot in the grave and other waiting to finish the step.
whenever i am around you, i cant stand being without you.
whenever i am away from you, i cant stand you at all.
its all my fault. i cant control a restless mind.
im doing what i can to not be a jealous person
and doing what i can to go about it a different way.
patience is a challenge. but i just cant find any to change who i am.
and i just cant find anything to make myself lie to anyone about how i feel.
hopeless romantic. and i am entirely hopeless.

to no fucking end will i ever stop feeling like i went on a ghost kill
sitting here a miserable cunt having a nervous breakdown
splitting my skull on the wall trying to exorcise your demon
i should know better by now not to chase the pretty ones.
all the pretty ones have the highest damage.
all the damaged ones are the prettiest ones my sorest eyes are set upon
swearing like a fucking sailor, drinking like a lifeless bar rat
to no fucking end will i never be embarassed i went on a ghost kill
laying her a miserable cunt trying to rip my jaw out
tearing at my eye socket so i dont have to see you anymore
i should know my stomach is a hangmen's noose
all the hangmen's noose will let me slip on down and snap me straight
all the straightening will kill off my embarassment
cursing like a heretic priest, swilling like a shame ridden iron worker
lady im not ashamed of what i did. im just fucking embarassed.
lady im not afraid of what i can do, im just fucking embarassed.
lady im now ashamed of what ill do. im just fucking embarassed.
lady im now afraid of what we will do. im just fucking embarassed.
and these hangmen's knots arent going to untie themselves anytime soon.
im fucking embarassed.

it makes more sense to be here than anywhere else in the world.
where i can be away from social woes and suffocating folkways.
to quest. to avoid. to search. to isolate.
the leash is getting shorter, so is life.
i cant climb walls like i used to.
guess all i can do is keep paddling for that next ride.
pushing off for that next long coast.
its all i got left inside of me.

i talk to the deaf.
i write to the blind.
i move for the marionettes.
i walk for the paralyzed.
i can give, but will never be given anything back.

forever fucked to walk alone.
forever fucked to love and never be loved.

i am more dead than i am alive sitting here behind the glass.
i can only find joy in bringing those ears sorrow.
i can only find my happiness in making others miserable.
sometimes you have to piss on everyone else just to make your own ends meet.
and whats really wrong with that?

no matter where i go, no matter what i listen to, no matter who i am with, you are always there next to me. and i cannot tell if you are haunting me or remind me of something good.

im still waiting to wake up and know if youre my bad dream or a dream come true. im still waiting. so dont let me wake up.

whatever the case, whatever the cause
i cant seem to shake that notion of you turning me into an excited little kid
i know youre gentle and you mean no harm
i know youve always meant well
i know youre nothing to be afraid of
i always wonder if im top of the line or just in line
while i throw away every other paper that comes my way
i can sit here and only write so much before my hands cramp
ive had to pinch myself to make sure i wasnt dreaming
ive had to punch myself to know i was still able to feel
everyone i talk to has less glimmer and shine
whatever youre doing, youre doing it right.

my eyes are red
no amount of visene
will change this scene
my view through the eyes of dead