4 days of reminders why my soul is always in a constant state of flux. spitting in the face of father time and throwing open handed slaps to cupid. in my age i should be hand in hand with those fucks and i still refuse to do it. if ive learned anything being with my harsh mistress, ive accepted im going to walk alone just a little bit longer. cupid tried again, but im not going to let him win only to find out he was playing a cruel trick on me. i ultimately understand in order for me to have what i want, i have to kill off what i feel and erase my memory of them. if its too good to be true, it is.

i have a chemical formula for life in my hands that i just dont want to put to use. if i did, i would die. i refuse to die a common death. i refuse to be subjected to the bleach and white sheets that everyone wraps themselves up in. and if that fucks me into never finding another person ever again, i can live with it. i am born into the world alone, i will die in the world alone.

the path isnt made of dirt road and green praire's grass like i saw in kansas last year. but there are no large mountains to climb like in colorado. the end is a western sunset into the ocean on white sands and i am back with mother ocean to be washed and never found. and i know if i am visualizing flat barren hot lands with many mesa's in the distance, thats where my life is right now. the mesa's and hot lands come before the sand and ocean. i know im getting closer. i can only keep walking until the end of the earth comes and then i can fall off.

i said i was going to die here. one way or another, i have. one circle closes, another opens.