always late to the dance. never early to arise.
the things i felt that were relevant arent so relevant.
i dont know if im trying to relive what i saw and what i felt
when i put on those old familar faces or places.
but i know somehow i still feel that association.
maybe not now, but i know its still there.
im not sure what i believe anymore.
im not sure what im feeling anymore.
walk the streets, wind to my back,
snow in my eyes, skin cracking on my lips.
still walking stillborn, still walking mutant.
still cursed rotten shit luck polluting carbon print fuck up.
hands on the wires and pulling on my neck.
im turning myself onto myself.
deaf ears and blind eyes, still waiting to feel something.
no luck, no love. nothing important anymore.
some people want to watch the world burn.
flower pushers get the first dive into the soil.
i get the last dive into the waters.

she messaged me. why am i putting on jawbreaker? why am i feeling the knots in my stomach like i used to when i decompress from a woman and i know not to feel that way? this is so stupid. i said too much and im writing my own final words im about to eat whole. one giant bite of a shit sandwich. holy hell am i cold....why didnt i turn the heater on sooner. i dont know want to know what she says next. i dont want to know when she writes back. i want to pull the hood over my face and hide and i cant. i wish i never wrote back now. i have a hard time believing she feels sorry about the way ive felt with everything lately. not just her, but everything thats happened. she doesnt know what happened, not back in may, not back a week ago, nothing. this is where im going to write my name in the sand and ill see if she crosses it out. im just ready for nothing. im ready to mess this one up and be told everything i dont want to hear. the same rejectional words i always hear. i cant see or hear anything right now. i dont know if its all the negative emotion i want to harbor against her or if its the positive emotion i want to feel. i guess im ready to put another loss on the chalkboard. i want to forget the last 7 minutes of my life. i certainly didnt play 7 minutes of heaven just now.

and why does itunes torment me with "i love you so much its killing us both"?

you will not see me for a while. you will not take me for a while.

anxiety will kill me and the feelings of letting everyone down will write whats on my headstone if i dont find a way out. how can i find a way out when i cant even see with my own eyes a way of my own. im being lead in circles and i cant find a friend from a wolf, a family from a pack of lions. waiting to feed on my body the minute i show my weakness. my spirit is falling apart and i cant stand on my own two feet any longer when i cant even crawl to safety. nothing is going to change when i havent learned to walk. i crawl alone. there are no shelters on the longest crawl in my life. put the bolt to my neck, stun me, slash me, feed me to the wolves and lions. fuck me.

i am the last survivor in this house.
i am the last survivor in a house with no survivors.
i am the last survivor in a town with no living energy. no vibrancy.
i am the last survivor in a house that has become torn apart by time and locusts.
i am the only one left who has any sort of free will and desire.
i am the only one who can leave and wander as i please.
i am the only one who has any care and memory of what this house was at one time.
i am the only one that can remember more thats happened here than anyone else can that is currently here.





i am the one who has become a part of the house. i am the house.