the words i recite in my mind listening to the angry songs that make you ill, make the resolution i want to have with you that will only fall on deaf ears anyways.

so only half way through the year and im still learning the social and spiritual gaps that exist in people. you would think at my age id have them figured out and know how to work an approach. im still learning. not that i hate it in any way, but when youre still learning and understanding, you still learn about yourself as well. spending less time on closing old circles that have no bearing, spending more time on opening new circles that have meaning.

whats the theme? love. not the romantic or the physical kind. the kind that every one needs.

as many new faces as ive met this year and understand where the differences are between myself and them, ive been trying to understand the how and why some arent used to having people take care of them or show them the kindness that they deserve. theres a few people who have been so far involved in long term one sided relationships who arent used to being shown that the other can look out and take care of them, or do the right thing. there are some who are just plain used to being alone and never really understanding how someone can care about their own well being. i never truly understood the how about caring about a person (regardless of their status to you friend or otherwise) until i spent a majority of my time alone. and a certain someone who wrote the words "you can never learn to love until you learn to be alone", really knew what he was yelling in that song.

take the 3 ladies ive been into this year, and i will tell you that all 3 have never met anyone like me in the sense of how ive gone out of my way to do something nice on a level just because i felt they deserved it or they were worth it. surely i didnt have to, but i wanted to because i had no one else to do it to. each of them had their own flow to why i wanted to do the things i wanted to do. and i honestly think they all deserved that. but they dont know how to handle recieving just a general kind of affection and appreciation that is outside of a relationship or family. they have never learned to be alone and dont know how to learn to love. when you are alone and have no one to show that general kindness to, youll learn to not give it out freely and you find out who is genuinely worth your own time. you refine your technique, but you learn to control how much you give out. in my case, i give back what is given to me. and thats how ive learned who is worth the effort and time.

love to me isnt just romantic and physical as most believe it. its something everyone needs regardless of how bad you take down self esteem levels and essential to knowing on a mental and spiritual level youll be alright. you can show that appreciation and respect for others well being without intentions of trying to romance, and not many really understand that. is there a line? yes, very blurred though because one thing can be taken as something terribly wrong. in my grand scheme, i should learn to care less about them and more about me. selfishness isnt in my program because i choose not to miss out on someone that can show me something i havent seen or learned.

as much as i do, i still need to know that im alright from others. protectors need protectors. even the beast can show love and needs it in order to live in relative peace in themselves and with the rest of the world.

too wound up to fuck. sitting in solace.
"everything i touch falls to pieces"
told one thing, seen another.
put on status that i dont deserve
i havent earned it yet baby, youre making the same mistakes i make
everything i want to do revolves around burning every bridge
burning every home and skyline down in every city i make a tremor in
wound up, full of piss and god damn vinegar.
between the fence of lonliness and anger
ill drive anyone anywhere and be their travis bickle.
then i wish them well in the open, and in secret i wish them ill.
regardless of mates, friends, and slags.
in secret i wish everyone ill in this fucking city.
sink with erie, sink with cleveland.
sink with yourselves and rot in shit.

every open letter i write, i will never address.
ive got a foot in the grave and other waiting to finish the step.
whenever i am around you, i cant stand being without you.
whenever i am away from you, i cant stand you at all.
its all my fault. i cant control a restless mind.
im doing what i can to not be a jealous person
and doing what i can to go about it a different way.
patience is a challenge. but i just cant find any to change who i am.
and i just cant find anything to make myself lie to anyone about how i feel.
hopeless romantic. and i am entirely hopeless.